


Don't Get Bitter

by Arwen88



Category: Band of Brothers (TV 2001)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Pining, Unrequited Crush, they're idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 19:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30127983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwen88/pseuds/Arwen88
Summary: “UTA show.”“They’re looking for help,” the other officer threw them a look, snorting when he noticed it was them. “But they’re looking for someone funny.”“I am funny,” Ron commented with as much ice in his voice as he could inject, lighting up a cigarette.Ed snorted beside him. “Youthinkyou are.”The other officer laughed, but then paled visibly at the glare Ron threw his way, and soon he scuttled away too.“We should sign up,” Ron added when they were alone, everybody keeping a certain berth around them. “Full of eye-catchers,” he explained with a grin.
Relationships: Edward Shames & Ronald Speirs
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Heavy Artillery Rare Pair 2021 Gifts & Extras





	Don't Get Bitter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Howling_Harpy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howling_Harpy/gifts).



> Inspired by the prompts of the Heavy Artillery Rare Pair! "Don't get bitter, just get better." is a quote by Alyssa Edwards  
> Thanks to Thrill for betareading this! <3
> 
> For Harpy, hope you like it!

Holland had been hard on everybody and the R&R in Mourmelon was a bit like a dream. Even without showers for the enlisted guys and with only tents to sleep in, it was still miles and miles better than being on the line.

They could go to town, even visit Paris with their weekend passes, eat real food, pour into the pubs, have a drink and chat with their friends.

As officers, both Ron and Ed had managed to get a good shower in as soon as the battalion had made its way back to France, and from there they had happily made their way to the closest pub.

The fact that it was fairly crowded was a plus, what with the noise levels pulled up high and the chance to talk about whatever they wanted. They still had to be careful, but there was nothing a little creative swapping of pronouns couldn’t fix.

“I tried asking her if she wanted a smoke.” Ron explained with a little shake of his head, his shock apparent in the widening of his eyes. “She just- looked at me like I was about to shoot her in the face. That really turns me off, you know.”

Ed nodded before taking a sip of his beer. “Yeah, I get enough of that from my men. I really don’t need such a look from my baby too.”

Ron waved a hand at him. “Exactly. I mean, if I come at you… with a smile… and I offer you a cigarette…” He nodded slowly, his eyebrows high on his forehead. But then he shook his head with a groan and a grimace. “Ah, it worked much better back home.”

“To be fair, back home they didn’t see you kill anybody.”

Ron had to agree on that, and he tipped slightly his bottle towards Ed. “That’s true.”

“But did it really work? At home?” Ed asked with a certain dose of doubt in his voice.

“Well, yes. Why on earth should I approach you offering you a cigarette if not to try and get in your pants? Beside the boys. I do that with them because it’s funny to terrorize them.” Ron cackled.

Ed laughed and shoved him. “See, that’s why you’re not getting any.”

“Yeah, said Don Juan. When was the last time you got some action?”

Ed snorted and grimaced. “It’s not my fault if they don’t catch my hints!” He huffed, on the defensive.

“You don’t give hints, Ed, you just stare at them.”

“That’s my- you know, my cue. It’s not staring, it’s just- making sure to find a way to cross paths with them and then throwing a look…” He nodded.

It made perfect sense to Ed at least, even if Ron was looking at him with a pointedly raised eyebrow.

“And you’re surprised that that doesn’t work?”

“Fuck you! What else am I supposed to do?”

“Well, you could offer them a cigarette?”

Ed snorted softly and leaned heavily on the table, sipping at his beer. The advice didn’t sound too bad, even if he wasn’t too willing to admit it. “I don’t smoke. Don’t see why I should be carrying cigarettes if it’s not to exchange them for goods.”

“Well, in a way…” Ron cackled madly, Ed joining in, at least until they noticed all the crowd shifting to read something that had been attached to the board.

They looked on, curiosity piqued, but waited to leave the small table they had secured in the corner until there were less guys around. When they finally approached the board the few guys in front of them scattered as soon as they noticed their presence, leaving them alone with another officer to read the flier.

“UTA show.”

“They’re looking for help,” the other officer threw them a look, snorting when he noticed it was them. “But they’re looking for someone funny.”

“I am funny,” Ron commented with as much ice in his voice as he could inject, lighting up a cigarette.

Ed snorted beside him. “You _think_ you are.”

The other officer laughed, but then paled visibly at the glare Ron threw his way, and soon he scuttled away too.

“We should sign up,” Ron added when they were alone, everybody keeping a certain berth around them. “Full of eye-catchers,” he explained with a grin full of teeth.

“You think?” Ed raised his eyebrows, rereading the flier.

He couldn’t play any instrument or sing, and he had never been on a stage before.

“Hell yeah. Hope this is one of the ones where they pick the prettiest ones and put them in girl dresses.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.” Ed nodded, sold on it.

***

Ed stood there beside Ron with the others that had answered the call of the Captain put in charge of the whole show, who was apparently a director in his civilian life. Slowly they were all divided into pairs or groups, based on what they were good at, until the little man got to them.

A rapid glance at them and the Captain smirked. “Perfect. I know the perfect sketch for the two of you. You’ll just have to sit down, look ominous and learn a couple lines.”

“That’s all?” Ron raised an eyebrow at him, not really convinced.

“That’s all. Some other poor fella will do most of the work, and everybody will fucking piss themselves at him running his fingers through your hair.”

They exchanged a dubious look, but the Captain had already moved on to the next person down the line.

***

There were just a couple chairs on the stage and the Captain directed them so Ron was sitting closest to the stage entrance and Ed further onstage.

Ed vaguely knew the other Lieutenant that was to be on stage with them, a shy, actually pretty boy that had Ed mentally agreeing with Ron’s assessment that there was going to be eye-catchers there.

“Okay, Peacock will do the woman in this part.”

Peacock took a deep breath and gave a little nod, slanting a look towards them.

“Speirs will act as your husband, while Shames plays the husband’s friend.” The Captain explained. “The sketch starts with just them on stage, sitting down, chatting- whatever, you can improvise that. Then you get in dressed in a night gown and Speirs tells Shames that you are a sleepwalker. Speirs, you advise your friend that it’s dangerous to wake her up because she might die of heart attack. So, Peacock, you step behind them, you get to Shames, you sit on his lap and start undressing him.”

“I what?” Peacock blurted out with a good dose of shock.

There were a few snickers from the crowd of the others that had signed on to help with the show, and the Captain actually smirked, looking like he was having a ball.

Ed looked at Peacock then and suddenly realized he was in for torture.

“There’s no way I can do this. Not- like a woman.” Peacock slanted a worried glance towards them.

“That’s part of the show,” the Captain started, sounding reassuring up until he started chuckling to himself. “You struggling and dying inside will be eighty percent of the laugh. Everybody will either be worried about the two of them killing you after the sketch or for you being the picture of embarrassment taking Shames’ shirt off.”

“Great,” Peacock commented bitterly.

“Don’t get bitter, just get better. And you need to be fluid and quick. You have to get on- and offstage at least four times, it can’t take five minutes for each trip.” He snapped his fingers. “You enter, Speirs introduces that you are a sleepwalker, you step behind their chairs and you sit on his lap.”

Peacock tried following the instructions despite the flustered look on his face, but then he dropped like a sack of potatoes on Ed’s lap, straight over his cock.

“Fuck!” Ed blurted out, doubling over in pain. “Shit!” He cupped his cock with both hands, barely hearing Peacock's desperate apologies.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

Ron laughed outright at that scene, holding his belly while Ed valiantly tried to pat Peacock’s side, muttering a mix of “fuck” and “it’s okay”.

They needed a couple minutes to straighten up, and by then Peacock was looking equally mortified and worried, sitting gingerly on Ed’s knees, well away from his crotch area.

The Captain sighed deeply and waved a hand. “Okay. Now you start by taking off his tie.”

Peacock turned to look at Ed, his cheeks flushed red in embarrassment and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he looked from Ed’s face to his neck.

“Uh.” He blinked and brought his hands over Ed’s tie, looking just about ready to die as he freed Ed of it.

“Shames turns to Speirs and ask what you’re doing.” The Captain went on, waiting for Shames to deliver before he gestured to Speirs. “Now, this sketch has basically four rounds of the wife entering the stage. This is just the first round so you need to explain to your friend and the crowd that your wife is a kleptomaniac and she has this thing in which she takes stuff. So Peacock can take the tie and take it off stage. Behind the chairs!” He screamed when Peacock stood up and made to step in front of the chairs, making them jump. “Never block the line of sight!”

Peacock hurried to comply, and Ed turned to throw a look at Ron. “You should do that kleptomaniac part.”

“Fuck you.” Ron snorted, a grin tugging at his lips despite his words.

“Now while he’s going offstage, you can use the time to look disgruntled at the crowd, or ask if you’re getting your tie back later. Peacock, get back out here!” He ordered. “You know what? Take your time maybe to run your fingers over Speirs’ hair, and then over Shames’.”

Peacock made a strangled sound and both Ron and Ed turned to look at him, looking probably more disgruntled than usual from the way Peacock paled under their gaze.

“No, uh- never mind,” the Captain mumbled. “Just- run a hand over their shoulders. And go back to sitting on Shames’ lap.”

Peacock executed with way more care than before, and after a first moment of tension Ed relaxed, putting one hand instinctively on Peacock’s back to help him sit there.

“You can interject all you want, things like _but why is your wife coming at me every time?”_ or things like that. Speirs, that’s your cue to tell him that he has to let your wife do as she pleases. Insist that he can’t wake her. Huff and shrug, but don’t push Peacock off, and Peacock, in the meantime you get to taking off Shames’ shirt.”

Peacock took a deep breath and looked at Ed for a moment before he ducked his head and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Fuck,” he mumbled under his breath, and Ed nodded slightly in agreement.

Ed wasn’t really sure he would have signed up to help on that show if he had been told from the start he would have to sit there on a stage, letting a shy beauty strip him of his uniform in front of a crowd.

In an attempt not to pop a boner, he did his best to focus on the fact that there were so many people staring at them. Even if he had to stay there and let Peacock take his shirt off and it had been too long since anybody had done that to him.

“Now, we can do maybe four trips like this. Tie, shirt, then the undershirt. If we were doing it outside you could have taken his cap too,” he explained while Peacock hurried backstage to drop Ed’s shirt someplace and came back. “Jumping to the last trip, you get on Shames’ lap, and now you start unbuttoning his pants.”

While Ron snickered freely, they both turned their eyes on the Captain before looking at each other.

Ed shifted uneasily on his seat, uncomfortable enough with the whole situation that his cock hadn’t fattened up much, but still, he was starting to get worried when Peacock put his long fingers on the buttons of his pants.

Peacock threw a look at the Captain. “And then what? Should I take these off too? They won’t go without taking off the boots.”

“No, you start opening them and at this point Shames will pick you up. Bridal style. That’s when Speirs gets up too and screams _‘What are you doing?’_ and you tell him _‘Shush, you don’t want to wake her up, remember?’_ and then you take him away back stage.”

“Alright.” Ed did as told, much to Peacock’s surprise by the way he grabbed at Ed’s shoulders when Ed stood up with him in his arms.

Ed chuckled as he brought Peacock offstage, his stomach doing a strange flip at the sound of Peacock’s laugh and the open, amused smile on those pretty lips. They were so close. Close enough for Ed to lose himself in Peacock’s blue eyes when he gently put him down behind the curtains.

The Captain went on speaking from the stage, explaining how that was when the curtains would close and Ron should grab both chairs and take them behind with him to let the next group on.

Ed didn’t really focus on it though, busy putting the rest of his uniform back on with a half smile and sneaking looks towards Peacock. He was standing there, trying to be helpful by passing Ed his clothes with a soft smile.

Ed was finishing buttoning up his shirt when Peacock cleared his throat in front of him.

Peacock licked his lips, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Do you have a smoke?”

Ed stilled in the process of tucking his shirt in his pants, blinking at him. “Oh. No,” he mumbled, feeling the world crumble under his feet at sensing that maybe Ron had been right all along, telling him to bring cigarettes with him at all times.

“Oh,” Peacock mumbled, looking way more disappointed than a lack of cigarettes could have justified.

Ed felt panic rise at the chance that maybe - maybe - Peacock was kind of reversing the way Ron flirted with people. “But I can find some?” He tried, grimacing at the way his voice spiked up at the end.

He felt terribly stupid all of a sudden under Peacock’s surprised gaze, and even more when he burst out in a laugh.

Ed kind of wanted to die.

“That’s alright,” Peacock reassured him with a large smile that had Ed’s stomach flipping once again.

He was looking for something to say when they were both called back on stage to rehearse the whole scene again.

It took them a while to master the scene, and by the end Ed was fairly comfortable in keeping Peacock - who had become just “Tom” through it - sitting on his lap, not to mention the few seconds in which he could keep the man in his arms as he carried him away.

By the time they had to leave the stage to others Tom looked more relaxed with him, but no matter how many glances Ed would sneak towards him while others tried rehearsing their bits, Tom didn’t seem to clue in.

***

Ron leaned over the piano, dialing up his charm as he watched the Sergeant playing. He wasn’t sure if Ed was right or not, but since the Sergeant was busy with his hands he simply stood there and looked on, hoping that a page from the other’s book would work.

He was surprised when the man lifted his eyes on him and cracked a soft smile without missing a beat.

“Do you want a cigarette?” Ron asked the beautiful man.

The Sergeant shook his head not unkindly. “I don’t smoke, but thanks.”

Ron felt himself die a little inside at having found one man that didn’t seem to want to run from him, but he wasn’t sure what to do once his first approach had failed.

“Sergeant?”

“Lipton, sir.”

Ron cleared his throat before trying with praise. “You’re really good at this, Lipton!”

“Thanks!”

Ron gained more confidence and returned his smile before he lit up his own cigarette. “Where did you learn?”

“My wife taught me.”

Ron knew he should have probably let go right then and there, but there were a number of men that still had no qualms in cheating their way through life. Not to mention, that man was the first who had not run for the hills as soon as Ron had approached him.

“What else did she teach you?” he asked with the most charming smile he was capable of.

The Sergeant blinked in confusion for a moment, the scar on his cheek moving as he pressed his lips to a side in thought. “Well. How to make stew, for one.” His fingers stilled on the keys of the piano with the end of the piece. “Not that mine is as good as hers.” He chuckled to himself, unaware of how Ron was crumbling inside.

“I’m sure it’s great,” he mumbled.

***

They were leaving the rehearsal when Ed heard Tom call his name and he turned, his stomach doing flips at the smile Tom had on his lips just for him.

“Hi!” Tom said a little breathlessly, running his fingers through his hair before he put his cap back on.

“Hi.” Ed returned his smile, instinctively making sure his own cap was properly on his head.

Tom rocked back and forth on his feet for a moment before clearing his throat. “I heard you’re really good with maps.”

“Yeah!”

“I- was wondering if you could give me some tips maybe? One day or another.” He shrugged with one shoulder, looking hopeful and so beautiful that Ed felt his stomach clench.

Figures that the one he liked was interested just in Ed’s ability with cartography.

Tom took his silence as a cue to go on. “I mean- I heard you were giving classes on map reading back in England?” He blinked his wide blue eyes at Ed, so pretty that Ed suffered a little more.

“Yeah, sure.” He shrugged, sounding disappointed even to his own ears.

Tom pressed his lips in a tight line and gave a little nod after a moment, suddenly looking just as deflated and gloomy as Ed felt.

Ed felt a little bad, wondering if he had been too harsh as he watched Tom step away with his shoulders hunched. He should have probably appreciated more that Tom cared to learn more about maps despite already being an officer, he considered as he went looking for Ron who had stepped ahead of him.

***

Since they had arrived in Mourmelon there had barely been a day without rain, but there were spots around the camp covered enough that Ron and Ed could enjoy some air without getting soaked and still have some privacy.

Ron was quite enjoying his cigarette - he had finally managed to get his hands on real American ones for once - despite the gloom of his mood, while Ed had his eyes fixed on Tom leading his platoon in PT exercises.

“I should start carrying cigarettes.”

Ron hummed vaguely, following Ed’s gaze. “For him?”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” Ed shrugged. “In general, I guess. Don’t think he’s interested.”

“But you were talking.”

“I mean- he did say I could call him Tom, but I’m not sure he caught what I wanted.” He huffed.

Ron frowned, throwing Ed a dubious look. “He was literally stripping off your clothes. Sitting in your lap.”

Ed snorted. “Did you miss the part where he was told to do it? I don’t want someone who will strip me because someone else tells him to- well. Unless that someone is me, I guess. It could be fun.” He shook his head. “Not what I meant anyway.”

Lipton walked in front of them, deep in conversation with another Sergeant, only to turn around and smile at Ron, nodding at both of them.

Ed waited until the two were far enough to clear his throat. “So. Nothing?”

Ron groaned, still following Lipton with his eyes. “He’s married.” He shook his head with disappointment squeezing him.

“Fuck. Well, some go for it even if they’re married-”

Ron interrupted Ed with an exasperated shake of his head. “Nah- I asked him if his wife taught him to do more than play? He said _how to make stew_.” He snorted with a very pointed look to his friend.

Ed started laughing, subdued at first before he threw his head back and let it go. “Fuck! That’s a keeper!” he snickered, wiping a stray tear with the palm of his hand.

“Fuck, I know,” Ron mumbled bitterly, throwing the last of his cigarette to the muddy ground to step on it.

“Ah, you know? Maybe that Captain is onto something though.” Ed smiled smugly, waiting for Ron to throw him a glance filled with doubt before he went on. “Don’t get bitter, just get better!” He laughed, managing somehow to avoid falling to the ground despite Ron shoving him hard.


End file.
